Fantasy Football is approaching....

It’s a time for the Red Zone channel.  A time when Sundays lose all productivity.  A time for squeezing in all the “honey-do’s” into Saturday so that Sunday is free for couch time, nachos and beer.  Ahhh, the fantasy football season is a knockin’ on the door.

I don’t know about your league, but my league kicks things off with an annual draft party hosted by the Commish.  There are ribs, burgers, appetizers, smack talking, laptops, notes,  draft guides and some drink.  Yes, fantasy football and drink kinda go hand in hand.  I like to start off my football Sunday with a Bloody Mary and some final checks on my starting lineup.  Then, perhaps move into the world of Fat Tire?  Really depends on the weather and the matchups I’m facing.  Everything has to be organized and prepared.

I don’t know what the record is for most football games watched at once, but I’m a believer you should tune into the Game Mix channel which offers up to 10 games, then have your local game on the “last” button.  Then, light up the laptop or iPad for viewing of the red zone channel.  With that approach, even my tiny brain finds a way to digest the scores, stats and turnovers all while keeping an eye on Stat Tracker to see just how bad I’m thumping my opponent!  For the rookies out there, if you find yourself on a commercial at any point on Sunday…. You are failing!!!

One should also be cautious in playing in too many leagues.  You could find yourself cheering for one lineup in one league, but then have players in another league that you’re facing in the other.  Yeah, you can see the dilemma that is ever present.  When this happens, you will find that you root for completions, but not many yards.  Or, score a TD but then later fumble.  It just is too challenging to know when you need to blast out a finely orchestrated string of cuss words and when to just have another sip of Fat Tire.

Another thing to consider is the feelings of your spouse.  I find it best to manage expectations up front.  When he/she (know, I don’t mean you’re married to a transvestite) knows the kind of person you will become on Sundays, they will find it difficult to hold you truly accountable for your actions.  Explain the good, bad and ugly associated with coaching your own fantasy football team.  Inform them of the stats and their importance.  Communicate that when you will certainly scream out at the top of your lungs for a fumble or player that gets tackled at the 2 yard line only for the next RB to get the carry and touchdown on the next play.  These are important Sunday moments that can dictate your mood and attitude for the following days. 

All in all, what a great time of year.  Draft parties, questionable trades and the dodging of any real responsibility on Sunday.  Thank you Fantasy Gods for delivering this wonderful season and thank you spouses for holding off on divorce papers, knowing there will only be 20 weeks or so of this madness.  Besides, when football is over…. We Fantasy Fools struggle to find joy in playing Fantasy semi-truck pulling competitions once football has vanished.

Enjoy the season and may I wish you sacks and fumbles!!!

Boys will be boys..

We guys have this inner voice that encourages us to be messy, stinky and sometimes just outright rude.  We know that this behavior can’t be tolerated in our normal day to day lives as we have responsibilities.  We have work that won’t stand for it and we have children we prefer not walk around burping all day long.  Did I mention the looks we would get our from wives as well?

Still, what a nice break from reality it is when a group of buddies gets together for a long weekend up at a cabin to partake in golf, horseshoes, grilling and some “light” consumption of beverage.  So, picture this if you wil…

8 friends gather once a year for a trip to the mountains and a stay at a cabin.  Those friends have played ball together, stood in weddings together and played many a golf course together.  As the crew gathers at the cabin, the trucks are unloaded with food, clothes, golf clubs and a big shiny silver can thing that has a hose coming out of the top.  With the sun shining bright, the fellas sit out on the deck and start the long weekend.

There are pitchers being filled and refilled regularly, laughter, cuss words and the occasional rude sound flowing from the team.  When guys get together, there isn’t a normal eating time, so there are burgers flowing at 3:00 in the afternoon and snacks laying throughout the cabin – inside and out.  The first day starts off with 27 holes of golf and wagers put on every swing!  The 8 guys race their golf carts around the course, hitting great approach shots and missing 4 foot putts.  Ahh, good times.  The team then retreats to the cabin to settle up all the bets and start back with the pitchers.  As we sit on the deck watching the day turn to night, we discover an incredible new game and means of betting and talking smack.  From the chairs on the deck of the cabin, we start to toss golf balls onto the rocks and dirt of the drive and towards a piece of 4” PVC pipe that has been shoved into the ground and in the middle of a light shone from the deck of the cabin.  From about 15 feet away, the contest is to see who can toss a golf ball, have it successfully dodge all the rocks, wood and wild flowers to find its’ home in the PVC.  DECK GOLF HAS BEEN DISCOVERED!  Isn’t it funny just how easily you can entertain 8 guys?  We’re simple creatures.

Day two is filled with 36 holes at a new golf course.  Still sore from all the swings the day prior and the excessive intake of fun the day and night prior (not to mention actually standing upright after a night on the couch), the teams break out to conquer the other.  Food, drink, drives and putts fill the day.  At the end of the agreeable day on the links, the team circles through the Taco Bell station to fill up on the necessary items for consumption back at the cabin.  Again, there is some smack talk and settling up of bets and replays of the memories made earlier in the day.  Ahh… good times.

Day three lands with no golf.  WHAT?  Nope, no golf today but instead, we shall gather in our chairs outside the cabin and alongside the horse shoe pit.  GAME ON.  Teams are formed, pitchers are filled and shirts are removed.  A day of sun and clanking of shoes!  Did I already reference the pitchers of liquid joy??  All day we toss around the shoes, not realizing that you can actually be injured while participating and can feel some soreness in weird places the morning after.  Before the day ends, there is a suspicious happening taking place with the large silver can with the hose.  It seems to be bobbing up and down in the huge trash can filled with ice.  Soon, the hose ceases to distribute the beverage of choice.  What in the @#(*&()*???  Already?  No worries.  I quick run to town for another 4 cases of the good stuff should get us through.  About 8:00 that evening, the grill lights up and plays host to 8 of the biggest steaks you have seen.  Surprisingly, the group of 8 still opts for silverware.  Weird.  Another successful day!

As the final day arrives, it’s time to pack up and clean up as we prepare for re-entry into reality.  One of the bets made in the previously mentioned rounds of golf is to see which team has to clean the cabin.  Let’s just say that isn’t a wager you wish to lose as I referenced the Taco Bell run earlier… yeah, 8 dudes using one bathroom for a long weekend is not a place you wish to find yourself during cabin cleaning time.  There isn’t enough protection, scrubbing bubbles and passion to be mustered up.  Ouch.

So in closing, I wish to thank my friends for another year of greatness and also apologize to my beautiful, patient and loving wife who has given me plenty of opportunity to adjust back into the life of putting the toilet seat down.  

Vacation…. Is it really?

You know that feeling you get when you have been busting your tail for such a long stretch without a break?  You are drained.  Exhausted.  Beaten.  Then – you remember that it’s only a couple of weeks before you say “LATER” to your corporate cage and head off for a weeklong vacation.  Ahhh yeah…. Some rest and relaxation.  Some food and beverage!!!!

Now – slap yourself out of that dream world and get aligned with the reality of what vacation really means.  Well, vacation when you’re a parent and it’s a FAMILY VACATION!!!!

All things change at this point.  The preparation for the vacation doesn’t include throwing things in a suitcase and knowing you can just but it when you are there if you forget something.   There is no rushing out the door on a whim with visions of beaches and Coronas.  Nope.  There is planning.  There is packing.  There is double and triple checking.  With kids in the mix… you have to make sure they have their clothes, jammies, toothbrushes, crap to entertain them on the plane, a change of clothes just in case of catastrophe and then check it all again.  This usually takes up to two days.   Mom and Dad… yeah, we were packed in 30 minutes.

So the day of travel arrives and I lug four suitcases into the car, hoping like hell the balancing act worked out so that they are all under 50 lbs.  We arrive at the airport, park and shuttle to the terminal.  Tickets and bags are checked and we’re sensing a slight bit of relief that step one has been successfully completed.  The plane ride goes off just fine as on Frontier you can swipe your credit card and for $6 a screen, the kids don’t have to miss Spongebob just yet.  Arrival to our vacation destination, taxi to the hotel and unpack.  Whew… step two complete!

Okay, now that we’re there in the land of holiday, I quickly realize that my wallet might as well just remain open for the remaining steps of this trip.   I first have to pay the street performer who snuck my little man a frickin’ balloon that looks like a sword.  Soon after the street performer, I hear “we’re hungry”.  Okay, so some chow doesn’t sound so bad…..  a quick lunch and $75 later, we back on the path of dodging the street performers.   By this time, the kids are ready for some entertainment.  Rather than rambling on about all the various fun that was had, I will summarize with 4D movie thing (three times), arcade, more food, another sneaky street performer with cool painting things, Bay tour, Alcatraz with necessary souvenirs, Giants game (okay, so that one might be my fault), Chinatown and souvenirs, more food, bungee jumpy thingy, cotton candy, movie at the hotel, aquarium with souvenirs, small street shops for souvenirs, Ghirardelli square for ice cream and chocolate, more food, another movie at the hotel, $80 stop for snacks and then some other food stops.

I think you can understand my previous point of just leaving my wallet open for the week.  It’s easier than reaching into my pocket for it 7 million times!  You see, traveling with children is not a vacation.  It’s simply entertaining, clothing, feeding and monitoring your children in a different location and without time for a nap.  My wife and I both agree that there should be two vacations.  A family vacation that will certainly resemble a Griswold event and then a parent vacation where we can walk around the room naked, drink as we choose and tell those street performers where they can shove their balloons. 

Don’t get me wrong, it was a fun “vacation”, but one that has left me tired and broke.  At least when I’m at the office, my wallet gets a little break!

The American spirit on display....

I have been a sports fan for as long as I know.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a golf match, hockey playoffs, Sunday afternoon baseball, or watching rugby.  Sports represent all things good…. Competition, teamwork, passion and pure “want to”!

Growing up I played anything that involved a ball, stick, field or competition.  There is no better feeling than busting your tail practicing, preparing, working hard at your craft and then going head to head against some sucker that is ready to learn a little lesson.  Ahh, sports is what makes the world go ‘round (and Heidi Klum). 

So this weekend I was excited to take in the US Women’s soccer match with the United States playing Brazil.  Usually, not a huge fan of soccer but when there is an American flag draped across the face of fans in the stands and the underlying sense of patriotism…. Well, that kicks things up a notch!  Watching the game, I felt myself struggling to catch my breath and sensing the drama and urgency of the moment.  The USA team faced one obstacle after another and it felt as though this game wasn’t just a game.  It was the American spirit and fire on display for all to see.

As the match unfolded, the Americans were dealt one blow after another with a red card and ejection of one of our players which left us short-handed for the remainder of the game.  Hope Solo (ahhh…. Hope Solo…..) came up with a miraculous save on a penalty kick to hold a 1-0 American lead.  Then, the official called some nonsense penalty that allowed another penalty kick that Hope couldn’t save.  The score goes to 1-1.  It was at this moment that things shifted.  The USA was up against it and appeared to be facing more than just 11 Brazilians on the field, but some questionable calls and an uphill battle that would be difficult to overcome.  Playing a person down and trying to find a way to dismiss the blown call that tied the game up, the Americans would need to dig deep.  They would need to reflect on all the Saturday soccer games as kids and oranges at halftime, the hours on hours of practice and preparation, the desire to keep focused and compete – regardless of the heat and fatigue.  They would have to hold on!

The game went to extra time as regulation found the USA and Brazilians all tied up at 1 goal apiece.  Brazil got an early goal in extra time to move 2-1.  At this point, it would have been easy for team USA to simply bail out and lean on the bummer calls that led to this scenario.  There were millions of viewers that had watched the Americans get screwed and which all would have said “that was unfair”, “they should have won”, etc.   Is that the American way?  Is that what true competitors do?  Nope.  Not the USA.  Instead of throwing their hands up and giving into the misfortune, they ran… they passed and they competed.  Then, when it looked as though the clock was against us and the final sands of time would bring an end to the USA dreams of a World Cup….. magic happened.

In a final run, the Americans took the ball the length of the field and a final crossing pass from the left wing soared through the air with millions glued to the tv.  The pass seemed too long… way too difficult to be handled.  Then, in what felt like slow motion, Abby Wombach left her feet and directed a header into the back of the net.  WHAT???  DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?  I was standing by this time, and even after seeing what just happened, it took several seconds for the reality to set in.  With only seconds remaining in the life of the Americans run at the cup, we prevailed!  Score:  2-2! 

The end of extra time meant that on the 12 year anniversary of the 1999 USA team winning on penalty kicks and Brandi Chastain showing the world her 6-pack abs….  it would come down to penalty kicks once again.  Drama continuing to unfold.

5 kicks each.  Americans start off…..  GOAL.  Brazil answers with a goal.  Americans kick #2… GOAL.  Brazil answers.  Americans on third shot… GOAL.  Brazil on their attempt….. HOPE with a save!!!!  Not just a save, but a save where she was horizontal with the turf and completely extended!  It was art on the soccer field!  Now, fourth attempt for USA…. GOAL.  Brazil must make their shot to stay alive... they score.  Now, with the final penalty shot and a chance to overcome all the craziness of the day we line up for the decision-maker.  The final shot on goal for USA…..  GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! 

The Americans have done it.  They overcame so much and now race around the field with smiles, tears and fatigued muscles that have suddenly found just a little more strength to celebrate.  I am joining them in celebration with my arms raised high, standing in the middle of my living room all alone.  I didn’t have anyone to high-five.  It would have been weird to scream and yell in celebration with my fellow Americans so far away.  So I simply stood there, quiet and calm.  My arms raised high and my sense of pride in being an American fully flexed. 

What a game.  What a memory.  What a great example of the American spirit!  GO USA!!!!

A break from reality

We all get into a rhythm or a routine with our day to day operations and obligations of life.  I think instead, it should be referred to as a funk.

We have responsibilities surrounding work, family, kids practice, dinner menus, bills, lawn care, laundry, vehicle maintenance, kids homework and occasionally some mysterious “honey-do’s” that find their way into the agenda.  It’s a significant load to carry.  So each of us finds a routine that ensures we’re hitting on all of these areas with the number of hours available to us in the day.  But when do we get a break?  When and how can we break the cycle?  It isn’t always easy, but it should be a HIGH priority on your list of things to control.

This past weekend, I took a Friday off from “the man” and went up to a friend’s cabin in Winter Park for a long weekend.   Along for the trek were my wife and boys,  mom and dad, and brother and his family.  An escape from the hustle and bustle of our daily grind was severely needed.  When we arrived to the cabin that was surrounded by pine trees, big blue skies and a noticeable absence of meetings and rush hour traffic, it was easy to take a deep breath and RELAX.  Quickly, a chair was pulled up on the deck and a Corona popped open.  The kids off to explore and my wife and I soaking in the sun, the cocktails and the calm.

As the family arrived later that afternoon to join us, we filled our time with conversation and laughter.  There wasn’t a TV blaring Spongebob Squarepants or any serial killer neighbors sunbathing atop their trampoline (I know, right?).  There was just family and relaxation.  Our only agenda for the weekend was to not have an agenda.  We would forget about the reality of our normal chaos and just enjoy the time away and cuss those that get to have this lifestyle daily.  Saturday brought a day of golf on a course that greeted us with green grass, challenging holes and the need for sunscreen.  My dad, brother and I had the kind of day you wish you could repeat.  The beer cart was timely and never left us high and dry.  The brat at the turn was splendid.  The missed 6 foot birdie putts didn’t seem to hurt as much.  It was a magical day.

After golf, what to do?  Ahh, such an easy question to answer as the solution was to have yet another Corona or two while enjoying the Colorado scene from the deck of the cabin.  The kids continued to explore nature, looking for dinosaur bones or a bear.  Either would be sweet.  Still no television.  As the afternoon turned to evening, the grill was started up and steaks that obviously came straight from heaven found their way to the grills surface.  The sizzle and smoke poured from the vents and let us know that life was indeed good.  I mean really, picture yourself right this minute sitting outside in 78 degree weather, shorts and flip-flops,  Corona in hand and the grill working its magic over in the corner.  Can’t beat that, can ya?  Sure… I could have added in a masseuse named Natalia that was there in a bikini to rub out all the soreness from golf, but didn’t want to make it too crazy. 

My point is this – we shouldn’t have to wait for the perfect time to take a vacation that is fully planned out and orchestrated.  Sure, those should exist as well…. But I think we should look for many more mini-vacations that are easy to knock out, don’t require much cash or planning, but time away from our funk that rejuvenates us and charges our batteries.  We can’t do it all the time, but I’m guessing we can do it a lot more than we do.  Let’s not allow too much time to pass us by and then realize we didn’t carve out time for ourselves and our family.  Make the  time and make the plans.  If you can’t get a Friday off from work – QUIT!  Get yourself in a position where you can have a better balance of work and life because I’m here to tell ya that the “life” part of that statement is much more fun than the “work” part. 

Find your cabin.  Find your Corona and grill full of steaks.  Make a plan now to enjoy the other side of things because work can wait!!!  

Snoring pains....

For years I have fought it.  I have denied it and even accused my wife of making up these hideous accusations.  Snoring?  No way, I don’t snore.  I have yet to see any real proof of the horrendous sounds she claims keep her up at night.  It can’t be so….  No proof.  My grandpa – now THAT is a snorer!!!  Doesn’t matter if it’s a little cat nap in the chair at 2:00pm or full fledge 2:00am sleeping in bed…. He can make things rattle. 

Occasionally, I will wake up in the morning with a pain in my ribs.  Sometimes the pain is more in the spleen area and there have been times where mysterious bruises appear on my back.  Now what in the heck is happening at night to cause these injuries?  Am I having a dream where I’m a rugby player?  Or maybe I’m a firefighter that is saving numerous children and old people amidst extreme danger?  I suppose there’s a chance I was having a nightmare where I was stuck in a locked room with Oprah and there was only one donut left and we are left to battle it out?   Hummm… don’t think so.  My wife has come clean.  She informed me that I am a pretty talented snorer while enjoying my REM sessions at night.  So when I snore, she “gently” nudges me to have me roll over or change positions in hopes of silencing the roar.  Again, still no actual proof of snoring.

“Gentle nudges” resulting in bruising and soreness.  I believe she is taking advantage of me at night – and not in a good way – with kicks, elbows, hammers, spears and possibly angry badgers.  She knows I would sleep through a hurricane that blew out all the windows in the house.  She uses that knowledge to abuse me in my sleep.  Is she mad that I didn’t do the dishes or didn’t mow the lawn in that cool pattern and simply leveraging this “snoring” thing to have an excuse to beat the crap out of me at night?

So yesterday, she comes in with a box of the strips that you apply to your nose to open up the airwaves.  The snoring solution.  I think it is still just a cover up in case she has to tell her story to the judge.  She can show receipts of the sleep aide, claiming that she was only trying to help.  So I go along with her little charade and start to put on the breathe right strip.  It’s the “DELUXE” model which has four strips in one and looks kinda like a parachutte.  I start to peel the backing off, glancing at the pictures to ensure that I’m doing it correctly.  Apparently I should have actually read the instructions as I peeled the entire casing off which left me with a double-sided sticky…. I mean STICKY – butterfly looking thing.  Thinking to myself, “this is stooped… how can this thing work?  It’s sure to get stuck on the pillow with this oppressive material that was likely used to patch up any holes on the Space Shuttle!”.  So out of frustration I tell her that I will not continue with the application of the nose sling and just sleep in the guest room. 

She then calmly grabs another, peels off the correct amount of stuff and then viola, it is how it’s supposed to be.  So I apply the contraption to my nose which instantly feels like someone poked me in each eye… yet my nasal passages have never felt so free.  I look hideous.  Kinda like I have a broken nose as my nostrils are now 3 times their normal size and other parts of my nose appear smooshed.  As I stroll over to the bed, climb in and test this puppy out,  I feel good.  I look stooped, but feel good.  I think I slept like a rock, waking up happy and without headache. 

As I quietly climb out of bed this morning, I see some unused ear plugs on the nightstand by my sleeping bride.  Humm….  Could it be that this nose jacket did some good last night??  Nah, I’m not a snorer and there’s no proof to the contrary….  Although I will say that all of my ribs are intact, there isn’t any bruising and I didn’t have to limp to the shower.  Nah…  I’m not a snorer!!!!

Dogs in need of a MUTE button!

You know that awesome feeling when you’re sitting out on your deck, sippin’ on a nice cocktail and taking in the outdoors?  What a nice feeling that is.  The sun landing on your skin and maybe a cool breeze weaving through your mullet.  Your breaths getting longer and deeper with a calm coming over you that almost takes you to the land of zzzz’s.  Then, BARK - BARK—BARKBARKBARK – Yip-BARK!!!   What the?!?

From next door, a pair of canines that are outside for potty time or maybe exercise?  Maybe it’s because the neighbors are complete tools that have no respect for those living in the ‘hood?  The dogs are bouncing around the backyard, barking at nobody or nothing.  They aren’t barking at each other, or a rabbit or a jogger on the trail.  They are barking for the sole reason to tick off all the neighbors around them.  It’s working!!!  The noise if so disruptive that you find yourself having to retreat beyond the protection of the sliding glass door and double pane windows.  Where did that feeling of sun and relaxation go?  What the?!?

As you now find a book, movie or something to do indoors….  wait, you can’t escape the BARK - BARK—BARKBARKBARK – Yip-BARK!!!   Don’t get me wrong… I love me some dogs, but come on!  These dogs aren’t having fun and playing around.  They are just annoying little creatures looking to ruin your day whether you are indoors or out.  It just ain’t right.  And what about their owners?  You can’t tell me that they can’t hear this nonsense taking place only a handful of steps away from them.  Is it that they don’t care?  Have they suddenly lost their hearing which has resulted in some equilibrium issues that caused them to trip and fall, bonking their noodle on the fridge and blacking out?  That is the only excuse for allowing your four-legged family members to ruin the neighborhood. 

So what to do…..  Yes, I already considered simply opening their gate and test the ability to later find their way home.  Do I knock on the neighbors door and then kick them right in “the goods”, then explain why I did so?  I can’t call the cops cause that would distract the public protectors from their real jobs of ticketing those without seat belts.  I know, the best thing to do is simply go and talk with the neighbors.  I should probably NOT start off with a question, “Are you frickin’ deaf?” and then follow that up with, “or are you just an idiot that thinks they somehow became the King of Smith Road?”  You see… these neighbors have already shown some inability to relate to reality.  My confidence level in their sense of right and wrong is about equal to my confidence in the Washington Generals beating the Harlem Globetrotters.  It isn’t gonna happen.  So, I think I will get creative and make a game of it.  Maybe have some friends over and see how many hints we can drop that go completely unnoticed.  Put a point system for the hints to the neighbor… written =3pts, spray painting messages to their car = 10pts, and then burning the message into their lawn with gasoline… well, I think we have a winner.

It’s just frustration and annoying.  I will find a solution for this issue where no dog is harmed…. Although I can’t say the same for the tool on the other end of the leash.