Snoring pains....

For years I have fought it.  I have denied it and even accused my wife of making up these hideous accusations.  Snoring?  No way, I don’t snore.  I have yet to see any real proof of the horrendous sounds she claims keep her up at night.  It can’t be so….  No proof.  My grandpa – now THAT is a snorer!!!  Doesn’t matter if it’s a little cat nap in the chair at 2:00pm or full fledge 2:00am sleeping in bed…. He can make things rattle. 

Occasionally, I will wake up in the morning with a pain in my ribs.  Sometimes the pain is more in the spleen area and there have been times where mysterious bruises appear on my back.  Now what in the heck is happening at night to cause these injuries?  Am I having a dream where I’m a rugby player?  Or maybe I’m a firefighter that is saving numerous children and old people amidst extreme danger?  I suppose there’s a chance I was having a nightmare where I was stuck in a locked room with Oprah and there was only one donut left and we are left to battle it out?   Hummm… don’t think so.  My wife has come clean.  She informed me that I am a pretty talented snorer while enjoying my REM sessions at night.  So when I snore, she “gently” nudges me to have me roll over or change positions in hopes of silencing the roar.  Again, still no actual proof of snoring.

“Gentle nudges” resulting in bruising and soreness.  I believe she is taking advantage of me at night – and not in a good way – with kicks, elbows, hammers, spears and possibly angry badgers.  She knows I would sleep through a hurricane that blew out all the windows in the house.  She uses that knowledge to abuse me in my sleep.  Is she mad that I didn’t do the dishes or didn’t mow the lawn in that cool pattern and simply leveraging this “snoring” thing to have an excuse to beat the crap out of me at night?

So yesterday, she comes in with a box of the strips that you apply to your nose to open up the airwaves.  The snoring solution.  I think it is still just a cover up in case she has to tell her story to the judge.  She can show receipts of the sleep aide, claiming that she was only trying to help.  So I go along with her little charade and start to put on the breathe right strip.  It’s the “DELUXE” model which has four strips in one and looks kinda like a parachutte.  I start to peel the backing off, glancing at the pictures to ensure that I’m doing it correctly.  Apparently I should have actually read the instructions as I peeled the entire casing off which left me with a double-sided sticky…. I mean STICKY – butterfly looking thing.  Thinking to myself, “this is stooped… how can this thing work?  It’s sure to get stuck on the pillow with this oppressive material that was likely used to patch up any holes on the Space Shuttle!”.  So out of frustration I tell her that I will not continue with the application of the nose sling and just sleep in the guest room. 

She then calmly grabs another, peels off the correct amount of stuff and then viola, it is how it’s supposed to be.  So I apply the contraption to my nose which instantly feels like someone poked me in each eye… yet my nasal passages have never felt so free.  I look hideous.  Kinda like I have a broken nose as my nostrils are now 3 times their normal size and other parts of my nose appear smooshed.  As I stroll over to the bed, climb in and test this puppy out,  I feel good.  I look stooped, but feel good.  I think I slept like a rock, waking up happy and without headache. 

As I quietly climb out of bed this morning, I see some unused ear plugs on the nightstand by my sleeping bride.  Humm….  Could it be that this nose jacket did some good last night??  Nah, I’m not a snorer and there’s no proof to the contrary….  Although I will say that all of my ribs are intact, there isn’t any bruising and I didn’t have to limp to the shower.  Nah…  I’m not a snorer!!!!