A break from reality

We all get into a rhythm or a routine with our day to day operations and obligations of life.  I think instead, it should be referred to as a funk.

We have responsibilities surrounding work, family, kids practice, dinner menus, bills, lawn care, laundry, vehicle maintenance, kids homework and occasionally some mysterious “honey-do’s” that find their way into the agenda.  It’s a significant load to carry.  So each of us finds a routine that ensures we’re hitting on all of these areas with the number of hours available to us in the day.  But when do we get a break?  When and how can we break the cycle?  It isn’t always easy, but it should be a HIGH priority on your list of things to control.

This past weekend, I took a Friday off from “the man” and went up to a friend’s cabin in Winter Park for a long weekend.   Along for the trek were my wife and boys,  mom and dad, and brother and his family.  An escape from the hustle and bustle of our daily grind was severely needed.  When we arrived to the cabin that was surrounded by pine trees, big blue skies and a noticeable absence of meetings and rush hour traffic, it was easy to take a deep breath and RELAX.  Quickly, a chair was pulled up on the deck and a Corona popped open.  The kids off to explore and my wife and I soaking in the sun, the cocktails and the calm.

As the family arrived later that afternoon to join us, we filled our time with conversation and laughter.  There wasn’t a TV blaring Spongebob Squarepants or any serial killer neighbors sunbathing atop their trampoline (I know, right?).  There was just family and relaxation.  Our only agenda for the weekend was to not have an agenda.  We would forget about the reality of our normal chaos and just enjoy the time away and cuss those that get to have this lifestyle daily.  Saturday brought a day of golf on a course that greeted us with green grass, challenging holes and the need for sunscreen.  My dad, brother and I had the kind of day you wish you could repeat.  The beer cart was timely and never left us high and dry.  The brat at the turn was splendid.  The missed 6 foot birdie putts didn’t seem to hurt as much.  It was a magical day.

After golf, what to do?  Ahh, such an easy question to answer as the solution was to have yet another Corona or two while enjoying the Colorado scene from the deck of the cabin.  The kids continued to explore nature, looking for dinosaur bones or a bear.  Either would be sweet.  Still no television.  As the afternoon turned to evening, the grill was started up and steaks that obviously came straight from heaven found their way to the grills surface.  The sizzle and smoke poured from the vents and let us know that life was indeed good.  I mean really, picture yourself right this minute sitting outside in 78 degree weather, shorts and flip-flops,  Corona in hand and the grill working its magic over in the corner.  Can’t beat that, can ya?  Sure… I could have added in a masseuse named Natalia that was there in a bikini to rub out all the soreness from golf, but didn’t want to make it too crazy. 

My point is this – we shouldn’t have to wait for the perfect time to take a vacation that is fully planned out and orchestrated.  Sure, those should exist as well…. But I think we should look for many more mini-vacations that are easy to knock out, don’t require much cash or planning, but time away from our funk that rejuvenates us and charges our batteries.  We can’t do it all the time, but I’m guessing we can do it a lot more than we do.  Let’s not allow too much time to pass us by and then realize we didn’t carve out time for ourselves and our family.  Make the  time and make the plans.  If you can’t get a Friday off from work – QUIT!  Get yourself in a position where you can have a better balance of work and life because I’m here to tell ya that the “life” part of that statement is much more fun than the “work” part. 

Find your cabin.  Find your Corona and grill full of steaks.  Make a plan now to enjoy the other side of things because work can wait!!!  

Snoring pains....

For years I have fought it.  I have denied it and even accused my wife of making up these hideous accusations.  Snoring?  No way, I don’t snore.  I have yet to see any real proof of the horrendous sounds she claims keep her up at night.  It can’t be so….  No proof.  My grandpa – now THAT is a snorer!!!  Doesn’t matter if it’s a little cat nap in the chair at 2:00pm or full fledge 2:00am sleeping in bed…. He can make things rattle. 

Occasionally, I will wake up in the morning with a pain in my ribs.  Sometimes the pain is more in the spleen area and there have been times where mysterious bruises appear on my back.  Now what in the heck is happening at night to cause these injuries?  Am I having a dream where I’m a rugby player?  Or maybe I’m a firefighter that is saving numerous children and old people amidst extreme danger?  I suppose there’s a chance I was having a nightmare where I was stuck in a locked room with Oprah and there was only one donut left and we are left to battle it out?   Hummm… don’t think so.  My wife has come clean.  She informed me that I am a pretty talented snorer while enjoying my REM sessions at night.  So when I snore, she “gently” nudges me to have me roll over or change positions in hopes of silencing the roar.  Again, still no actual proof of snoring.

“Gentle nudges” resulting in bruising and soreness.  I believe she is taking advantage of me at night – and not in a good way – with kicks, elbows, hammers, spears and possibly angry badgers.  She knows I would sleep through a hurricane that blew out all the windows in the house.  She uses that knowledge to abuse me in my sleep.  Is she mad that I didn’t do the dishes or didn’t mow the lawn in that cool pattern and simply leveraging this “snoring” thing to have an excuse to beat the crap out of me at night?

So yesterday, she comes in with a box of the strips that you apply to your nose to open up the airwaves.  The snoring solution.  I think it is still just a cover up in case she has to tell her story to the judge.  She can show receipts of the sleep aide, claiming that she was only trying to help.  So I go along with her little charade and start to put on the breathe right strip.  It’s the “DELUXE” model which has four strips in one and looks kinda like a parachutte.  I start to peel the backing off, glancing at the pictures to ensure that I’m doing it correctly.  Apparently I should have actually read the instructions as I peeled the entire casing off which left me with a double-sided sticky…. I mean STICKY – butterfly looking thing.  Thinking to myself, “this is stooped… how can this thing work?  It’s sure to get stuck on the pillow with this oppressive material that was likely used to patch up any holes on the Space Shuttle!”.  So out of frustration I tell her that I will not continue with the application of the nose sling and just sleep in the guest room. 

She then calmly grabs another, peels off the correct amount of stuff and then viola, it is how it’s supposed to be.  So I apply the contraption to my nose which instantly feels like someone poked me in each eye… yet my nasal passages have never felt so free.  I look hideous.  Kinda like I have a broken nose as my nostrils are now 3 times their normal size and other parts of my nose appear smooshed.  As I stroll over to the bed, climb in and test this puppy out,  I feel good.  I look stooped, but feel good.  I think I slept like a rock, waking up happy and without headache. 

As I quietly climb out of bed this morning, I see some unused ear plugs on the nightstand by my sleeping bride.  Humm….  Could it be that this nose jacket did some good last night??  Nah, I’m not a snorer and there’s no proof to the contrary….  Although I will say that all of my ribs are intact, there isn’t any bruising and I didn’t have to limp to the shower.  Nah…  I’m not a snorer!!!!

Dogs in need of a MUTE button!

You know that awesome feeling when you’re sitting out on your deck, sippin’ on a nice cocktail and taking in the outdoors?  What a nice feeling that is.  The sun landing on your skin and maybe a cool breeze weaving through your mullet.  Your breaths getting longer and deeper with a calm coming over you that almost takes you to the land of zzzz’s.  Then, BARK - BARK—BARKBARKBARK – Yip-BARK!!!   What the?!?

From next door, a pair of canines that are outside for potty time or maybe exercise?  Maybe it’s because the neighbors are complete tools that have no respect for those living in the ‘hood?  The dogs are bouncing around the backyard, barking at nobody or nothing.  They aren’t barking at each other, or a rabbit or a jogger on the trail.  They are barking for the sole reason to tick off all the neighbors around them.  It’s working!!!  The noise if so disruptive that you find yourself having to retreat beyond the protection of the sliding glass door and double pane windows.  Where did that feeling of sun and relaxation go?  What the?!?

As you now find a book, movie or something to do indoors….  wait, you can’t escape the BARK - BARK—BARKBARKBARK – Yip-BARK!!!   Don’t get me wrong… I love me some dogs, but come on!  These dogs aren’t having fun and playing around.  They are just annoying little creatures looking to ruin your day whether you are indoors or out.  It just ain’t right.  And what about their owners?  You can’t tell me that they can’t hear this nonsense taking place only a handful of steps away from them.  Is it that they don’t care?  Have they suddenly lost their hearing which has resulted in some equilibrium issues that caused them to trip and fall, bonking their noodle on the fridge and blacking out?  That is the only excuse for allowing your four-legged family members to ruin the neighborhood. 

So what to do…..  Yes, I already considered simply opening their gate and test the ability to later find their way home.  Do I knock on the neighbors door and then kick them right in “the goods”, then explain why I did so?  I can’t call the cops cause that would distract the public protectors from their real jobs of ticketing those without seat belts.  I know, the best thing to do is simply go and talk with the neighbors.  I should probably NOT start off with a question, “Are you frickin’ deaf?” and then follow that up with, “or are you just an idiot that thinks they somehow became the King of Smith Road?”  You see… these neighbors have already shown some inability to relate to reality.  My confidence level in their sense of right and wrong is about equal to my confidence in the Washington Generals beating the Harlem Globetrotters.  It isn’t gonna happen.  So, I think I will get creative and make a game of it.  Maybe have some friends over and see how many hints we can drop that go completely unnoticed.  Put a point system for the hints to the neighbor… written =3pts, spray painting messages to their car = 10pts, and then burning the message into their lawn with gasoline… well, I think we have a winner.

It’s just frustration and annoying.  I will find a solution for this issue where no dog is harmed…. Although I can’t say the same for the tool on the other end of the leash.

Cat talk....

No, I don’t mean the big, beautiful and ferocious cats of the jungle that glimmer with Bengal stripes.  No, not talking about the elite athletes at the University of Arizona either (everyone bow down to Steve Kerr).   Instead, I speak of the cats that roam neighborhood houses and peer out from window sills across America.  The pets. 

I know the question often times posed is, “are you a dog or a cat person?”.  Great question to ask as I think you can gain much insight about a person based on their response.  Still, I shall not judge the cat folk of the land but will tell you that I have a Golden Retriever.  J  Cats aren’t dogs.  Cats aren’t fish.  And cats aren’t lizards.  I know, stay with me……  There are many pets that can enrich your lives, but if you’re pondering the path that best fits you and your personality, then follow along.

Cats are evil.  Sorry, but there isn’t a better way to summarize.  They wander the halls of your family home with an occasional rub up against your leg which is completely misleading.  While watching Back to the Future (everyone bow down to Michael J. Fox) on your comfy couch, the cat will unexpectedly pounce up to your lap which will force you to automatically release a wee bit of urine.  Then, when you get your heart rate back down, the cat will let loose a muffled purr and maybe even deliver a wink of “affection”.  As you feed little “Jo-Jo”, he will happily bounce over to the dish and make the cutest little sounds as it munches down some nibble.  These are the things that cat owners love.  (minus the unwanted urine release)

Cats will not come when you call them.  They may not even acknowledge you.  You will find yourself wondering if they are deaf or did you do something wrong?  Know that it’s not you, it’s them!  They don’t love you, they just love that you bought that stooped climby thing made of carpet that looks so great in your family room.  They love that you feed them and that they don’t have to run around battling the elements to kill their dinner while trying to appear so fluffy and adorable.  They will turn on you in an instant.  Don’t believe me??  Just take a deep look into a cat’s eyes, and if you squint, you can almost see the evil staring back at you.  They are great jumpers, so when they do turn, they will bring out those sharp little claws and climb your leg en route to your face.  They know your weakness and they are swift. 

The feline is a complicated beast that sends mixed messages, much like spouses.   Oops, sorry babe.  They lure you into a sense of comfort and complacency only to spring on you to remind you of their superior instinct and killing ability.  Do you know of another animal that has 9 lives?  Nope.  That means they take risks that most animals won’t as they know they have a mulligan if needed.  Cats are best suited for cartoons (thank you Tom and Jerry) and for little desk calendars that you give your office manager. 

So, if you have learned nothing at all from this little message, please know that cats aren’t your friends.  They are evil beasts willing to snap at any moment and burn one of their 9 lives to keep you guessing.  Oh, and you’ve been warned about the involuntary releasing of urine (it is embarrassing).