Cat talk....

No, I don’t mean the big, beautiful and ferocious cats of the jungle that glimmer with Bengal stripes.  No, not talking about the elite athletes at the University of Arizona either (everyone bow down to Steve Kerr).   Instead, I speak of the cats that roam neighborhood houses and peer out from window sills across America.  The pets. 

I know the question often times posed is, “are you a dog or a cat person?”.  Great question to ask as I think you can gain much insight about a person based on their response.  Still, I shall not judge the cat folk of the land but will tell you that I have a Golden Retriever.  J  Cats aren’t dogs.  Cats aren’t fish.  And cats aren’t lizards.  I know, stay with me……  There are many pets that can enrich your lives, but if you’re pondering the path that best fits you and your personality, then follow along.

Cats are evil.  Sorry, but there isn’t a better way to summarize.  They wander the halls of your family home with an occasional rub up against your leg which is completely misleading.  While watching Back to the Future (everyone bow down to Michael J. Fox) on your comfy couch, the cat will unexpectedly pounce up to your lap which will force you to automatically release a wee bit of urine.  Then, when you get your heart rate back down, the cat will let loose a muffled purr and maybe even deliver a wink of “affection”.  As you feed little “Jo-Jo”, he will happily bounce over to the dish and make the cutest little sounds as it munches down some nibble.  These are the things that cat owners love.  (minus the unwanted urine release)

Cats will not come when you call them.  They may not even acknowledge you.  You will find yourself wondering if they are deaf or did you do something wrong?  Know that it’s not you, it’s them!  They don’t love you, they just love that you bought that stooped climby thing made of carpet that looks so great in your family room.  They love that you feed them and that they don’t have to run around battling the elements to kill their dinner while trying to appear so fluffy and adorable.  They will turn on you in an instant.  Don’t believe me??  Just take a deep look into a cat’s eyes, and if you squint, you can almost see the evil staring back at you.  They are great jumpers, so when they do turn, they will bring out those sharp little claws and climb your leg en route to your face.  They know your weakness and they are swift. 

The feline is a complicated beast that sends mixed messages, much like spouses.   Oops, sorry babe.  They lure you into a sense of comfort and complacency only to spring on you to remind you of their superior instinct and killing ability.  Do you know of another animal that has 9 lives?  Nope.  That means they take risks that most animals won’t as they know they have a mulligan if needed.  Cats are best suited for cartoons (thank you Tom and Jerry) and for little desk calendars that you give your office manager. 

So, if you have learned nothing at all from this little message, please know that cats aren’t your friends.  They are evil beasts willing to snap at any moment and burn one of their 9 lives to keep you guessing.  Oh, and you’ve been warned about the involuntary releasing of urine (it is embarrassing).