Okay, what's up with baby corn??

There are some things in this world that can pull off being small.  There are small dinner portions, small iPods, small cars, small font, small babies and even small victories.  But what I can’t accept is small corn!  What is the purpose of this tiny vegetable?  It makes its appearance from time to time on your plate – usually in a Chinese dish but it’s been spotted in Thai food and Indian food as well.  Where does this stop?  While I would like to give you the positives surrounding this miniature cousin of corn on the cob, I can’t as I’ve never eaten it.  When I see it on my plate, I simply mock it for its size and then push it to the side for later delivery to the trash!

I’m quite certain that it can’t taste like a nice, buttery corn on the cob and surely you can’t manage to get the corn on the cob pokers into the sides of them.  If someone were to try and eat it as if it was the appropriately sized version on the cob, can you imagine the weird looking face of the eater?  Pushing your teeth out as far as possible and then taking tiny little bites to remove the kernels.  Not good.  Every time I have seen them, they appear soggy and bland.  They are kinda wobbly and bouncy at the same time.  So tell me… what is the purpose?  Are they on the plate simply to get made fun of?  Do people actually eat these little things?  I have to think that they aren’t intended to be eaten, but instead are present to fill in some gaps in the plate.  Maybe the restaurant ran out of chicken or broccoli and thus had to lean on the limp spears.

Another thing… you never find these tiny beasts outside of their cob-like version.  I haven’t seen a can of itty bitty corn kernels like you see from the good people at Del Monte.  I wonder how many of these things it would take to fill up a standard 15oz. can.  Like 7 million?  It’s crazy!  When I think about it… I would have to imagine a field of Oompa Loompa’s out there hand picking these little things off the stalk, assuming there is a stalk even involved.   Maybe there is an entire village of tiny things and this little corn isn’t little in that world?  The citizens of the tiny village like to get a laugh occasionally and put a bag of their corn on the farmers’ truck and it somehow gets delivered to stores and restaurants.  Then, they sit back on their tiny little couches in the evening and laugh at those of us actually trying to eat the imposters.

Whatever it is, it’s STOOPID and must come to a stop.  Join me in boycotting all tiny corn cobs and push back on this tiny village, sending the message that we will no longer stand for it!!!

Herding Cats...

Have you ever tried herding cats?  How about substitute teaching a kindergarten class?  Ummm, what about trying to build a sand castle at high tide?

If you have, and been successful, you would make a great youth football coach!   You see, I coach a youth tackle football team made up of 5 and 6 year olds and have to share some of the fun.  Every Monday and Wednesday, the little dudes gather at the practice field in preparation for battle on Saturday.  They arrive with smiles and in full pads.  Some of them weighing in at a whopping 42 lbs and a game face that has the remains of kool-aid and pudding from their afternoon snack. 

The first challenge comes when they start off practice with their lap around the field.  Of the 16 kids on the team, there will be at least half of them that fall over during the lap as a result of their helmet weighing them down and messing with their balance.  That lap takes about 5 minutes.  Practice gets going with some drills to enhance their football skills and includes running the football, tackling and blocking.  Apparently, these little guys have some challenges in locating the ball carrier as time and time again, the runner will “speed” past the defense as the defensive guy is either dancing with the kiddo blocking them or has lost interest and asking when practice is over… right in the middle of the play.  More work needs done on the concept of tackling the ball carrier. 

Then, there is the huddle.  Yes, seems like a pretty easy thing to conquer but when you have 5 and 6 year old kids that have the attention span of a gnat, it proves a challenge.  With each offensive player assigned a particular spot in the huddle, we still find there are voids and gaps in the huddle.  The guard is where the tight end should be.  The tight end has failed to join the huddle and is chasing a grasshopper.  The center is struggling with a runny nose that is leaking into his mouthpiece that he continuously forgets to put in his mouth.  When he does put it in, he puts it upside down and complains of discomfort.  After shifting the kids into the right spots in the huddle, we call out a play.  The holes are 2, 4, 6 and 8 on the right side of the center and 1, 3, 5 and 7 on the left side of the center.   Ahh, so the running back runs through the hole called.  Yep, makes sense.  With some of the kids struggling with this concept, I tell them to practice at home.  My recommendation is to write down the numbers on sheets of paper and put them on the floor of their bedroom so they can remember.  Soon after my recommendation, a little fella raises his hand and says. “coach, I can’t read!”.  Of course….  J

Game day rolls around and the boys look great in their uniforms.  They are excited for the game, or anxious to see what the halftime snack is, but either way… they look great in their uniforms.  As we line up to get the game underway, it’s apparent that we’re out-sized.  Our team average 45lbs and some of our opponents drive themselves to the game.  I think I saw one of the opposing players kissing his wife before taking the field.  The ball is snapped and their running back runs through our distracted defense and it’s 7-0.  Now we get the ball.  The huddle “forms”, yeah… when I saw “forms”, I meant that the coaches lift and shift the kiddos into the right spot.  Then the boys take the line and get in their 3 point stances.  HIKE.. the ball is snapped and our line instantly forgets how to block and stands straight up, allowing the defensive players that are sporting goatees to smash our little running back.  Just doesn’t seem right.  This goes on for two 22 minute running halfs.  Ouch.

As the game ends, the boys are happy.  They don’t care about the score… they have wiped away the tears that resulted from a boo boo in the first half.  They are excited they got to play football and now looking for the little Gatorade bottles and Nutter Butter cookie packs to seal the day.  When they look up at you with sweaty brows and grass stained pants…. Their little faces looking for a congratulatory speech…  ahh, makes it all worth it.  The kids might have got whooped on the field, but they are football players and they are proud to be.  Herding cats is tough.  It’s stressful and frustrating at times but these little dudes trying their hardest and enjoying the game for what it is – well, that is worth the price of admission!!!  So, I’m off to create this week’s practice plan which will include huddles, tackling, blocking and a handful of fun that puts a smile on their faces …  and certainly on the coaches faces as well!  

Come on... you know it's funny!

At first I thought I was just being rude.  Then I wondered if there was something wrong with me.  Is it right that I find extreme humor and self pleasure in watching others trip, stumble and fall? 

I’m guessing that if you sit back for a minute and think about it, you too are on my side.  Think about it…. It can be a model strutting her stuff on the runway or just some stranger who is mysteriously attacked by a sidewalk gremlin as they stroll.  It’s frickin’ funny!!!  When the balance goes and then the limbs start flyin’ with every attempt to remain upright – it is something to behold.   Gravity is a nasty beast, whether it’s taking its toll on your body with new found wrinkles and sags or forcing the ketchup to hop off the shelf in the fridge and explode on the kitchen floor.  You can try to tame gravity, but you will lose. 

The other day, I watched a video of a model that was confident and proud as she stomped down the runway with her platform shoes pounding the catwalk.  Then, wait for it…. BINGO.  That lanky right leg hit a spot on the floor and it was on!  If you watch it in slow motion, it seems like it was 5 minutes of her attempting to remain graceful and hot while challenging her future that couldn’t be avoided.  It was ugly and awkward kinda like a new born giraffe getting up on all fours.   It was hilarious.  Then, the other day I was heading out of the office and to the parking garage when the dude that was hiking up the stairs in front of me seemed to have caught his wing-tipped shoe on the edge of the stair.  Oh yeah, he was done.  He dropped his bag and sunglasses as he tried to find level ground in which to collapse.  Garage sale!  I tried to keep a straight face and ask if he was okay, but I know that I had a smirk presented that I couldn’t control or hide. 

The best is sometimes post fall when the victim gathers themselves, returns to an upright position and then does the look around to see just how many witnesses there were.  It’s almost like if nobody was there to see it happen…. Did it happen at all?  YOU BET IT DID!!!  Another favorite crashing of mine involve celebs.  Recent events can display Lady Gaga hitting the floor, and Rhianna bouncing off the stage.  There is something about multi-millionaires and their inability to buy balance and grace that just tickles my fancy.

So, if you’re jonesing for a little taste of someone else’s misfortune, might I recommend airports as the many obstacles and challenges associated with travel seem to offer the highest level of return for your viewing pleasure.  If you don’t travel yourself… just sit on a bench somewhere at lunchtime and take in the fun.  Now, if this happens to you… you must realize that there are others out there like me who will be chuckling at your equilibrium-challenged self.  Don’t let that get you down.  We still love you and think you’re awesome.   Don’t be embarrassed and don’t be mad.  Know that you likely made someone else’s day with your fiasco and then give yourself a little chuckle.  Then, once you have collected yourself, apply band-aids where necessary!!