What will we do without Oprah?

First it’s this whole ‘Rapture’ thing that has everyone on edge… well, at least those that have pet rocks named Frank, struggle with application of ketchup to a hot dog and seem to bonk their noggins a little more frequently than the rest of us.  Now, the clock has struck “See Ya” for Oprah.  A nation that has followed her interviews, book clubs and celebrity guests will search for answers on Thursday morning.  A nation will wonder what they should read, who they should follow on Twitter and how they are supposed to talk to their children without her guidance and wisdom.

So here is where any Oprah followers start to bad-mouth me and wish for bird droppings to find their way to my clean car.   Oprah is GONE!!  Cue the celebrations and festive music.  Bust out 34 lbs of macaroni and cheese!  Hop up on the couch and jump around like a mad scientologist!!!  The day has come for rejoice and freedom!!!!

I know, I know…. She has truly done some amazing things with her celebrity and  her wallet.  I won’t challenge that some good has come from her presence and she has influenced some for the better and helped many that couldn’t help themselves.  There.  I’ve said some nice things that will hopefully result in some birds missing their target (see car reference above).   But now I get to share with you my thoughts… hold on tight…

Oprah is a fake.  She has convinced her ‘Oprah cult’ that she is genuine and pure.  Boo.  Her interviews are self-indulgent and filled with Oprah moments and control.  She is a powerhouse resulting from incredible marketing power and a following of moms, sisters and BFFs that drink up all the guidance she spoon feeds.  I find it very convenient that media is just readily available and prepared for the massive charity events.  Great that she’s making change for people – but why does there need to be a media blitz around it?  I think the genuine heroes are those that do things for people, countries, charities, etc while remaining quiet.  No need for the ego pump and audience approval/ratings, just doing great things quietly.

I have accidently found myself stuck on the channel that delivers the Oprah experience, and can’t believe her reactions and emotions are truly heart-felt.  She’s an actress that has the ability to cry when she is supposed to, laugh where she needs to laugh and give that “engaging” peer into the audience.  To make certain that her followers are truly following, she gives them little gifts – “You get a car, you get a car, you get a car…” or the Travolta led flight to Australia.  You think that is just cause she’s a nice person, or might there be some interest in sticking those cool, unsuspecting Australians with the Oprah epi pen that fills them with the oh-la-la’s?

Another thing to consider…. Isn’t this the woman who gave us Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray?  Ouch.  I think I’d rather have a mysterious itch and four noses on my face then have to sit through a Phil lecture or Rachel feast.  Come on now!

I have quit grocery shopping as I simply can’t’ make it through the line without The O mocking me from the cover of her magazine.  (yes wife, that is why I can’t grocery shop).  I know she has a new network all to herself and I have called my cable provider, offering to pay an additional monthly fee to ensure that channel is blocked from my programming.  In fact, I’m in discussions for an anti-Oprah network all of my own.  Yep, think I might call it “O Yes I Did!”.

So tomorrow we shall celebrate.  Join me with a raise of the glass when the regular timeslot for the Oprah show is instead playing ‘Alice’ reruns.  A great day for the nation.  To the Oprah followers that will be wearing black and kicking around an empty can…. Stay positive.  Read what you want to read.  Time will return your own thoughts to you.  Stay confident knowing that you truly can navigate this crazy world without the couch control of Ms. Winfrey.  

Toodle-loo Oprah!