Spring + Snow = STOOPID

It's March 28 here in Denver, CO and I wake up to a dusting of snow and sleet falling from the sky.  A high temp today of 51 and then returning snow for tonight and tomorrow.  Really?  I mean... REALLY?

I was under the impression that Spring carried with it visions of green grass, warm weather, sunshine and flip-flops.  Golf anyone? Instead, the closest I have come to playing golf is relocating my new golf shoes from the closet to the golf bag eagerly awaiting it's time for action.  This just doesn’t seem fair.  Sure, I can see those jerks on TV playing in Sunshineville with tiny beads of sweat forming as they stand over a 10 foot putt… but where is that for me?  Instead, my best round of the year comes from the Xbox where I put the smack down on Mr. Arnold Palmer.  That isn’t the same.

We are only 4 days away from OPENING DAY at Coors Field.  Are you telling me that I will not be in shorts and baseball lid, sporting the shades and looking for that “yes I was at the game sunburn”?  I should pack some snow shoes, mittens and beanie?  Come on, man!  My wonderful beer will be topped with a layer of snow that drops from nasty, cold skies?  No I will not have hot chocolate – are you kidding me?  This is baseball!  The only times you should see the players breath is in the frickin post-season playing some playoff baseball.  Do you know how utterly nasty it is to sit in the stands with all the pasty white skin?  Again, not right.  Give these people some sunshine to tan up!

No, I will not move to Phoenix or San Diego for many reasons. 

1.     I like the snow… WHEN THE SEASON CALLS FOR IT! 

2.     In San Diego, I might run into Phillip Rivers and be forced to punch his throat off.

3.     Steve Garvey is no longer a Padre

4.     No Phoenix because it’s too close to a friend of mine in Flagstaff that I don’t like all that much…

The list goes on.  My point is that Denver is awesome.  Colorado is great.  But come on with this late March Madness… the only March Madness should come in the form of poop all over my brackets.  I want 70 degree golfing weather and a 1:00 tee time.  I want a Fat Tire (or two) and a seat in Section 110 at Coors Field.  I want the sunglasses tan on my face.  Is that too much to ask?  I want the spring that I dream of….

Is ‘Survivor’ really still on?

 I was a fan in year one.  I even hung on for a smidge in year two.  But by year 47 (or whatever it is), I couldn't be further removed.  How in the heck is this show still on television?  Haven’t they stranded enough people out in the “wilderness”?  What else can you make the people do that would make viewers say to themselves… “huh, didn't see that one coming”.  I know there must be a handful of peeps out there who still tune in  - but WHY?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the reality TV movement.  There is something special about sitting on the couch, watching strange people doing strange things.  Sure, there is some heavy scripting taking place here and there, but I can understand the draw of the American couch potatoes.  Survivor on the other hand, it’s like “The Nanny” reruns that you can’t help but fall into at 11:30pm.  They are everywhere, sticking to us like dog hair on newly pressed slacks! 

‘Survivor’ has simply run out of tricks.  We already know that there will be some tribes created and battle against each other for “Immunity”.  These challenges still involve the digestion of bugs, trouncing through the mud and obstacles.  Standing on planks for hours on end is not even as entertaining as watching a fat fella try and get into a hammock.  Heck, even the hot people that might lure you into the show, well, they don’t stay hot from beginning to end.  They lose about 40 lbs and start looking like that creepy dude from Lord of the Rings.  So what is the the draw? 

I think a few modifications to the format could lure me back in.  Maybe implement a UFC type challenge where these little weasels who back-stab and jilt their teammates have to pay the piper!  Yeah… they get called out for lying and have to take their 115 lb frames to a cage made of bamboo and dried bird poop and try not to die.  What about the addition of some real, live, dangerous animals.  They want to be in the jungle in the dark?  Let ‘em.  Release a tiger of some alligators into their camp.  Do it in the middle of the night and then toss some of that tasty Jack Links Beef Jerky in their sleeping bags!  Take ‘Survivor’ from more than just behaving like a snake to having to truly SURVIVE.  Yeah, that might actually cause me to tune in.  Americans can even create a Fantasy Survivor league where we pick a challenger at the beginning of the season and if they die, we lose.

There are so many alternatives to ‘Survivor’.  American Idol, House, The Nanny, Bones, Desperate Housewives (for the wife) and God’s gift to Television…  SPORTSCENTER!  That is what I’m talking about.  If you’re gonna plop your rump down for the boob tube, don’t waste the time on an outdated and overdone ‘Survivor’ – instead, catch up on the scores and highlights or enjoy Fran Drescher and her pleasant voice....   

What will it take to get you in this car today?

I vaguely recall the joy and excitement associated with car shopping.  Those times are LONG gone and the feeling of anxiousness and exhilaration have been replaced with those of fear, frustration and uncertainty.  When is the last time you heard someone leave a dealership with a shiny new car and say, “HA!  I won that battle!”?  It doesn’t happen often and the process of getting your own tail handed to you, along with a hefty payment, leaves some of us in search of cocktails.

My wife and I are on the hunt.  We “need” a new car and simply can’t wait any longer.  We arranged for some kid watch which left the day to just us.  It was the two of us against THEM.  We were ready… we had a plan.  With some idea of what we were looking for, we head straight to the dealership.  As we pull into the lot, you can see the vultures stirring.  Jostling for position and adjusting their ties.  Prepared for the leg humping that was about to go down, we parked and stepped out of our “old” car and were instantly greeted by a guy that looks fresh off ‘Jersey Shore’.  His hair with the proper amount of product, short and shiny.  His skin uncommonly tan for early March in Colorado.  His clothes… eh, nothing to hammer him about there.  But then I saw it.  Yep, right there in complete Joe Pesci fashion was the PINKY RING!  DOH!  I don’t know about you, but certain accessories tell a lot about a person and this one in particular, well it told me that we were in for some "fun".

We take our vehicle of choice out for a test drive and on the jaunt, get to learn that “Gino” (protecting his real name ‘cause I’m a nice guy) drives an Escalade.  Of course he does.  All goes well with the drive and we’re ready to talk numbers.  You know, the kinda talk where they put you in the world’s tiniest office and ask you if you’d like some coffee.  I think the more appropriate question would be “would you like an Elephant tranquilizer?” or perhaps “How about a roofie?”.  As we sit there and listen to our options and review the magic marker arithmetic on a folded piece of paper, things aren’t going our way.  We stop and offer our feedback which warrants a trip to the “money table”.  I don’t know what it’s officially called, but this long desk of finance jockeys held one cool cat in particular. With slicked back, and well product-ed (I know, not a word) jet black hair, a pair of AWESOME sunglasses on and a scarf that wrapped around his neck was the man with the plan.  Kinda creepy actually and made the whole experience feel as though we were trying to smuggle rare chickens across a border that didn’t like rare chickens.

While waiting for the ‘money man’ to redo his magic marker collage, Gino returned to our tiny office and attempted some small talk.  He asked about my shoes.  Then noticed the brand of jeans I was wearing (ummmm…. nevermind) and then said your 24 huh?  No, I’m not 24 but this is my blog and I can be 24 if I like.  He said, “you’re only a year older than me”.  What in the heck does that mean?  My response…  “ahhh….”.  We then learned of his daily routine which surprisingly wasn’t GTL (Gym, Tanning, Laundry) – although close.  He works out and doesn’t drink or use any drugs.  He has a girlfriend that is 11 years younger than him.  Where is ‘money man’???  We are more than ready to mark up version two of our “options”.  Please ‘money man’… hurry up!

The final return to the land of tiny office from the manager, and this time the numbers look good and we’re nearing our decision.  Yep, things look good and we decide that WE’RE IN and the vehicle is in transit as I type!  Yeah!?  So, chalk one up for the good guys?  Would my wife and I leave the dealership with a sense of victory and triumph for our new purchase?  Well, sorta.  We do feel as though we finally got a good deal on the vehicle that we wanted so that was good…. The challenge comes in trying to mentally delete all the Gino and ‘money man’ quips and images from our visit.  It’s hard to clean your brain of such an experience.  So for those of you looking for a new ride, know that you will most certainly feel dirty and violated as you leave the establishment.  It’s not you… it’s them and you aren’t alone.

Ahhh, March Madness!!

There is no denying it.  It's knocking on the door like the kid with the droopy eyes and big dreams wondering if you wanna buy some magazines.  BTW... not sure that the magazines actually ever arrive at your house!?  Weird.  Anyway, the bracket busters are tightening up their sneaks and the 5 seeds are hoping they aren't the 34% that fall to the 12 seed.  March Madness Baby!!

This window of basketball bliss is hard to challenge.  People from all over will drink the March Madness Kool-aid and fill out their brackets.  The office admin assistant will diligently complete her bracket with her favorite mascots, while others pick based on team colors, coaches, cuteness, and where they attended youth basketball camps.  I do think there are still a few peeps out there that spend time and review seedings, match-ups, players, altitudes, medical records, barometric pressure and actual basketball stats.  Who has the better approach?  Couldn't tell ya as I know that in my years of researching the tourney in depth prior to jotting down my winner, I have only won once and seen many a admin assistant come away with the cash... thanking her lucky mascot all the way to happy hour!

Companies around the country will lose productivity levels that rival Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  I have employees that are requesting the famous Thursday and Friday off completely.  They aren't hiding it.  Simply stating, "Opening round of the tourney, boss".  You can't deny that time off, and you have to appreciate the honesty.  What other tournament will allow you to stream the games live, from your office or cubicle while on THE MAN's clock AND provide you with the "Boss Button".  For those of you that don't know,  you can sit back and cheer on the Arizona Wildcats and when danger approaches....  hit the boss button on the screen that pops up some bogus Excel spreadsheet.  LOVE IT!

I have found that once my bracket is in shambles and resembles Lindsay Lohan without makeup (or with makeup for that matter), I instantly wave my pom-pom for the underdogs.  There's nothing better than seeing that 14 or 15 seed start making noise.  Their fan base growing with every upset and the question looming... "how far can they go in this thing?".  Reference the Gonzaga kids years back and moving to the Butler boys last year.  It's just awesome.

Many people will tell you that the most wonderful sound to enter their ears is the laughter of a baby.  My good friend in Flagstaff will tell you that it's when his favorite opera singer fills the air with melody...  I'm here to tell you that the most amazing and wonderful sound is when Dick Vitale calls an NCAA March Madness game.  If there's a buzzer beater or big upset... well, I might weep as his words fill the airwaves.  There should be a ringtone of Dicky V and his one-liners.  Hummm...  I don't know how to do those things so will leave it to a techie on the other end of this message.

So with that, I leave you to your research and blank brackets.  Don't be scared to make your picks.  Go with your gut and method that you have used for years.  Worst thing that happens is you get bounced after the first weekend and get to take in another year of this wonderful, wonderful time of year without the stress, mobile score updates, scores being texted to your phone while you're in the staff meeting and the disappointment.  OR, don't watch the tourney at all and flip over to watch the fat, bald guys pull volkswagons on the beach.  Your call.

P.S.  GO AZ!!

The obligatory drunk call...

You have made them, or you have received them.... or both.  There's something in each of us that feels this incredible need to reach out to our friends and family when the libations have been a flowin'.  Sure, if we were to wait a smidge and ask ourselves "should I really make this call?" we might chose not to pushing those tiny buttons on our mobile phones.  But when the time is then and the need is now... well, mobile phones take action.

Usually, the call happens when one or two people who just couldn't muster up the coolness to be at the event or location that those partaking numerous cocktails could.  So it's quite apparent that they deserve the call.  It doesn't matter the circumstance.  It can be 4:30 in the afternoon or 4:30 in the morning.  It can be from a house party or during an eventful stay in Vegas.  Doesn't matter from when or where - it just "needs" to happen!

I personally have been on both ends of the fun.  From the perspective of the call maker, I can tell you that there's a need to share the good times with those less fortunate.  A "quick" call to our friends or family to let them know what they are missing out on and questioning their priorities and their manhood.  Usually filled with laughter and slurring derogatory statements, the call can last for only a minute or last for ten.  You poke and prod at the target who is sitting at home, changing diapers or working on a special work project that just had to take 1st priority.  When you reach the victim, you are certain to rub in the fact that you have incredible amounts of glitter all over your clothes, or describe the awesomeness that is the game you're attending.  The goal - make the recipient of your call feel as though they are the biggest loser there is.  They, unlike you, aren't in the cool club.

On the receiving end of the precious communications, it's rough.  If you can learn of your buddies whereabouts prior to your favorite ringtone waking you from a deep sleep, you can prepare.  You can opt our of the jingle all together and choose a less intrusive SILENT mode on your phone.  Doing this will certainly result in the dodging of the personal jabs in live mode and force your buddies to voice mail.  This doesn't necessarily mean that things are better.  I have found that when the drunk dialer reaches vmail, the communications last longer and seem to get more personal.  I have reviewed voice mails from friends and family that are enjoying a "sick day" while at Coors Field.  I have learned of their Vegas action in the wee hours of the night/morning.  I've even had the opportunity to hear that "SUNSHINE" reports to stage 4.

I don't know if there is an expiration on the obligatory drunk call.  Meaning, I think my buddies and I will continue to jingle one another well into our elder years.  Sure, we might not be taking in the "SUNSHINE" that we did in our earlier years, but I imagine describing the process of trying to apply denture cream under the influence of Johnny Walker would make for a hilarious message.

So for those that make the call or those that take the call, know that the call is made with love (often times obvious through the number of references to love in the message).  It isn't that they/we hate you... it's that we care about you so much that we want you to know just how cool we are - and you aren't.

Adults are boring!

When is the last time you had a food fight?  How about a trek down the legendary slip-n-slide?  I know, right?  I'm wondering why it is that as we get older, we get boring?  What's up with that?  I hate it.  We take our larger selves into the office every day and do what the man tells us, slowly releasing our individuality and desire to still have fun.  When adults act up, do something silly or enjoy a minute of thoughtless enjoyment we seem to look down on them and wonder how they passed the drug screening.

I don't like it one bit.  Of course, I can't change it as we have been brainwashed into thinking that with each passing year and annoying birthday card comes another layer of responsibility and expectations for professionalism.  Where has the fun gone?  When you are alone with your family, friends or kids... I'm sure you move about with reckless abandon.  However when mixed with other stuffy-heads, we all behave as we're expected to so we don't make a scene and embarrass our better half.  Again, POOP!

I wish we were a society in which adults can still behave like children.  Kickball tourney in the cul-de-sac and sport some face paint for the 9:00 meeting on some corporate crap.  That's what I'm talking about.  I know it can't happen, but there are more opportunities for us huge kids to still have fun and be a part of making our days better.  We own our behavior and decide how we take on the tick-tock of the daily routine.  Why don't we aim to not take ourselves so seriously?  Loosen up a bit and realize that it's okay that we aren't always marching in perfect harmony with Fred from Accounting.

So I'm calling on each of you (I think I might have 4 readers now) to think about bringing a little more fun into your day.  Odds are, the people around you will pick up on it and realize that they too would like to reduce the robot behavior.  Do what you can do to raise someone up.  Be who you are and who you want to be.  If that involves streaking past the lunchroom at your office, I recommend reading up on the policy regarding streaking first.  We don't need to make drastic changes, but just know that you won't be judged for having fun.  People can still kick some tail as a business person, a parent or a leader while having a little fun.  Odds are you will feel better and those around you might quit talking so much smack about you behind your back.

Please join me in the fun movement.  If you don't like to have fun, then you shouldn't be reading this anyway.  So off we go!  Smile, laugh and streak if necessary!