Snoring pains....

For years I have fought it.  I have denied it and even accused my wife of making up these hideous accusations.  Snoring?  No way, I don’t snore.  I have yet to see any real proof of the horrendous sounds she claims keep her up at night.  It can’t be so….  No proof.  My grandpa – now THAT is a snorer!!!  Doesn’t matter if it’s a little cat nap in the chair at 2:00pm or full fledge 2:00am sleeping in bed…. He can make things rattle. 

Occasionally, I will wake up in the morning with a pain in my ribs.  Sometimes the pain is more in the spleen area and there have been times where mysterious bruises appear on my back.  Now what in the heck is happening at night to cause these injuries?  Am I having a dream where I’m a rugby player?  Or maybe I’m a firefighter that is saving numerous children and old people amidst extreme danger?  I suppose there’s a chance I was having a nightmare where I was stuck in a locked room with Oprah and there was only one donut left and we are left to battle it out?   Hummm… don’t think so.  My wife has come clean.  She informed me that I am a pretty talented snorer while enjoying my REM sessions at night.  So when I snore, she “gently” nudges me to have me roll over or change positions in hopes of silencing the roar.  Again, still no actual proof of snoring.

“Gentle nudges” resulting in bruising and soreness.  I believe she is taking advantage of me at night – and not in a good way – with kicks, elbows, hammers, spears and possibly angry badgers.  She knows I would sleep through a hurricane that blew out all the windows in the house.  She uses that knowledge to abuse me in my sleep.  Is she mad that I didn’t do the dishes or didn’t mow the lawn in that cool pattern and simply leveraging this “snoring” thing to have an excuse to beat the crap out of me at night?

So yesterday, she comes in with a box of the strips that you apply to your nose to open up the airwaves.  The snoring solution.  I think it is still just a cover up in case she has to tell her story to the judge.  She can show receipts of the sleep aide, claiming that she was only trying to help.  So I go along with her little charade and start to put on the breathe right strip.  It’s the “DELUXE” model which has four strips in one and looks kinda like a parachutte.  I start to peel the backing off, glancing at the pictures to ensure that I’m doing it correctly.  Apparently I should have actually read the instructions as I peeled the entire casing off which left me with a double-sided sticky…. I mean STICKY – butterfly looking thing.  Thinking to myself, “this is stooped… how can this thing work?  It’s sure to get stuck on the pillow with this oppressive material that was likely used to patch up any holes on the Space Shuttle!”.  So out of frustration I tell her that I will not continue with the application of the nose sling and just sleep in the guest room. 

She then calmly grabs another, peels off the correct amount of stuff and then viola, it is how it’s supposed to be.  So I apply the contraption to my nose which instantly feels like someone poked me in each eye… yet my nasal passages have never felt so free.  I look hideous.  Kinda like I have a broken nose as my nostrils are now 3 times their normal size and other parts of my nose appear smooshed.  As I stroll over to the bed, climb in and test this puppy out,  I feel good.  I look stooped, but feel good.  I think I slept like a rock, waking up happy and without headache. 

As I quietly climb out of bed this morning, I see some unused ear plugs on the nightstand by my sleeping bride.  Humm….  Could it be that this nose jacket did some good last night??  Nah, I’m not a snorer and there’s no proof to the contrary….  Although I will say that all of my ribs are intact, there isn’t any bruising and I didn’t have to limp to the shower.  Nah…  I’m not a snorer!!!!

Dogs in need of a MUTE button!

You know that awesome feeling when you’re sitting out on your deck, sippin’ on a nice cocktail and taking in the outdoors?  What a nice feeling that is.  The sun landing on your skin and maybe a cool breeze weaving through your mullet.  Your breaths getting longer and deeper with a calm coming over you that almost takes you to the land of zzzz’s.  Then, BARK - BARK—BARKBARKBARK – Yip-BARK!!!   What the?!?

From next door, a pair of canines that are outside for potty time or maybe exercise?  Maybe it’s because the neighbors are complete tools that have no respect for those living in the ‘hood?  The dogs are bouncing around the backyard, barking at nobody or nothing.  They aren’t barking at each other, or a rabbit or a jogger on the trail.  They are barking for the sole reason to tick off all the neighbors around them.  It’s working!!!  The noise if so disruptive that you find yourself having to retreat beyond the protection of the sliding glass door and double pane windows.  Where did that feeling of sun and relaxation go?  What the?!?

As you now find a book, movie or something to do indoors….  wait, you can’t escape the BARK - BARK—BARKBARKBARK – Yip-BARK!!!   Don’t get me wrong… I love me some dogs, but come on!  These dogs aren’t having fun and playing around.  They are just annoying little creatures looking to ruin your day whether you are indoors or out.  It just ain’t right.  And what about their owners?  You can’t tell me that they can’t hear this nonsense taking place only a handful of steps away from them.  Is it that they don’t care?  Have they suddenly lost their hearing which has resulted in some equilibrium issues that caused them to trip and fall, bonking their noodle on the fridge and blacking out?  That is the only excuse for allowing your four-legged family members to ruin the neighborhood. 

So what to do…..  Yes, I already considered simply opening their gate and test the ability to later find their way home.  Do I knock on the neighbors door and then kick them right in “the goods”, then explain why I did so?  I can’t call the cops cause that would distract the public protectors from their real jobs of ticketing those without seat belts.  I know, the best thing to do is simply go and talk with the neighbors.  I should probably NOT start off with a question, “Are you frickin’ deaf?” and then follow that up with, “or are you just an idiot that thinks they somehow became the King of Smith Road?”  You see… these neighbors have already shown some inability to relate to reality.  My confidence level in their sense of right and wrong is about equal to my confidence in the Washington Generals beating the Harlem Globetrotters.  It isn’t gonna happen.  So, I think I will get creative and make a game of it.  Maybe have some friends over and see how many hints we can drop that go completely unnoticed.  Put a point system for the hints to the neighbor… written =3pts, spray painting messages to their car = 10pts, and then burning the message into their lawn with gasoline… well, I think we have a winner.

It’s just frustration and annoying.  I will find a solution for this issue where no dog is harmed…. Although I can’t say the same for the tool on the other end of the leash.

Cat talk....

No, I don’t mean the big, beautiful and ferocious cats of the jungle that glimmer with Bengal stripes.  No, not talking about the elite athletes at the University of Arizona either (everyone bow down to Steve Kerr).   Instead, I speak of the cats that roam neighborhood houses and peer out from window sills across America.  The pets. 

I know the question often times posed is, “are you a dog or a cat person?”.  Great question to ask as I think you can gain much insight about a person based on their response.  Still, I shall not judge the cat folk of the land but will tell you that I have a Golden Retriever.  J  Cats aren’t dogs.  Cats aren’t fish.  And cats aren’t lizards.  I know, stay with me……  There are many pets that can enrich your lives, but if you’re pondering the path that best fits you and your personality, then follow along.

Cats are evil.  Sorry, but there isn’t a better way to summarize.  They wander the halls of your family home with an occasional rub up against your leg which is completely misleading.  While watching Back to the Future (everyone bow down to Michael J. Fox) on your comfy couch, the cat will unexpectedly pounce up to your lap which will force you to automatically release a wee bit of urine.  Then, when you get your heart rate back down, the cat will let loose a muffled purr and maybe even deliver a wink of “affection”.  As you feed little “Jo-Jo”, he will happily bounce over to the dish and make the cutest little sounds as it munches down some nibble.  These are the things that cat owners love.  (minus the unwanted urine release)

Cats will not come when you call them.  They may not even acknowledge you.  You will find yourself wondering if they are deaf or did you do something wrong?  Know that it’s not you, it’s them!  They don’t love you, they just love that you bought that stooped climby thing made of carpet that looks so great in your family room.  They love that you feed them and that they don’t have to run around battling the elements to kill their dinner while trying to appear so fluffy and adorable.  They will turn on you in an instant.  Don’t believe me??  Just take a deep look into a cat’s eyes, and if you squint, you can almost see the evil staring back at you.  They are great jumpers, so when they do turn, they will bring out those sharp little claws and climb your leg en route to your face.  They know your weakness and they are swift. 

The feline is a complicated beast that sends mixed messages, much like spouses.   Oops, sorry babe.  They lure you into a sense of comfort and complacency only to spring on you to remind you of their superior instinct and killing ability.  Do you know of another animal that has 9 lives?  Nope.  That means they take risks that most animals won’t as they know they have a mulligan if needed.  Cats are best suited for cartoons (thank you Tom and Jerry) and for little desk calendars that you give your office manager. 

So, if you have learned nothing at all from this little message, please know that cats aren’t your friends.  They are evil beasts willing to snap at any moment and burn one of their 9 lives to keep you guessing.  Oh, and you’ve been warned about the involuntary releasing of urine (it is embarrassing).

What will we do without Oprah?

First it’s this whole ‘Rapture’ thing that has everyone on edge… well, at least those that have pet rocks named Frank, struggle with application of ketchup to a hot dog and seem to bonk their noggins a little more frequently than the rest of us.  Now, the clock has struck “See Ya” for Oprah.  A nation that has followed her interviews, book clubs and celebrity guests will search for answers on Thursday morning.  A nation will wonder what they should read, who they should follow on Twitter and how they are supposed to talk to their children without her guidance and wisdom.

So here is where any Oprah followers start to bad-mouth me and wish for bird droppings to find their way to my clean car.   Oprah is GONE!!  Cue the celebrations and festive music.  Bust out 34 lbs of macaroni and cheese!  Hop up on the couch and jump around like a mad scientologist!!!  The day has come for rejoice and freedom!!!!

I know, I know…. She has truly done some amazing things with her celebrity and  her wallet.  I won’t challenge that some good has come from her presence and she has influenced some for the better and helped many that couldn’t help themselves.  There.  I’ve said some nice things that will hopefully result in some birds missing their target (see car reference above).   But now I get to share with you my thoughts… hold on tight…

Oprah is a fake.  She has convinced her ‘Oprah cult’ that she is genuine and pure.  Boo.  Her interviews are self-indulgent and filled with Oprah moments and control.  She is a powerhouse resulting from incredible marketing power and a following of moms, sisters and BFFs that drink up all the guidance she spoon feeds.  I find it very convenient that media is just readily available and prepared for the massive charity events.  Great that she’s making change for people – but why does there need to be a media blitz around it?  I think the genuine heroes are those that do things for people, countries, charities, etc while remaining quiet.  No need for the ego pump and audience approval/ratings, just doing great things quietly.

I have accidently found myself stuck on the channel that delivers the Oprah experience, and can’t believe her reactions and emotions are truly heart-felt.  She’s an actress that has the ability to cry when she is supposed to, laugh where she needs to laugh and give that “engaging” peer into the audience.  To make certain that her followers are truly following, she gives them little gifts – “You get a car, you get a car, you get a car…” or the Travolta led flight to Australia.  You think that is just cause she’s a nice person, or might there be some interest in sticking those cool, unsuspecting Australians with the Oprah epi pen that fills them with the oh-la-la’s?

Another thing to consider…. Isn’t this the woman who gave us Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray?  Ouch.  I think I’d rather have a mysterious itch and four noses on my face then have to sit through a Phil lecture or Rachel feast.  Come on now!

I have quit grocery shopping as I simply can’t’ make it through the line without The O mocking me from the cover of her magazine.  (yes wife, that is why I can’t grocery shop).  I know she has a new network all to herself and I have called my cable provider, offering to pay an additional monthly fee to ensure that channel is blocked from my programming.  In fact, I’m in discussions for an anti-Oprah network all of my own.  Yep, think I might call it “O Yes I Did!”.

So tomorrow we shall celebrate.  Join me with a raise of the glass when the regular timeslot for the Oprah show is instead playing ‘Alice’ reruns.  A great day for the nation.  To the Oprah followers that will be wearing black and kicking around an empty can…. Stay positive.  Read what you want to read.  Time will return your own thoughts to you.  Stay confident knowing that you truly can navigate this crazy world without the couch control of Ms. Winfrey.  

Toodle-loo Oprah!

Kids Sports – What to do??

               

I don’t know about where you live, but here in the Denver area, youth sports is extreme. 

As a father, I want to do what is best for my boys and make sure they are given every opportunity to whip someone’s butt on the field or the court.  I want to be the supportive, informative, encouraging, challenging and their biggest fan.  I think I have all of those check marks in place.  Still, I’m reaching a point with my oldest (11) where some kids are starting to peel off and become one-sport dudes.  What is that about?  Remember back in the day when we would walk right from the final football practice to the basketball gym to pick up our stuff and get up and down the court?  Then, from the gym to the diamond to get some BP in and join the baseball movement.  Are the days of three sport athletes a thing of the past?

Come on…  really?  Football teaches you pain, struggle, strategy and physical endurance.  It also teaches you that if you don’t wash your undershirt for a few weeks, when you pull it off the hook in your locker…. It doesn’t even move – stiff as a board.  Basketball gets your lungs developed.  It works the finer athletic movement.  Baseball, a game of patience and readiness that matures your hand-eye coordination.  All of these sports teaches strategy and teamwork.  So tell me, what is wrong with that?

In the Denver area, I’m learning there are “Baseball Kids”, “Lacrosse Kids”, “Hockey Kids”, etc.  I coach Pop Warner football in the fall and now I’m seeing that some kids are staying with a year round sport so they don’t fall behind.  Baseball kids are traveling all over the country, lugging around the custom Under Armor bat bag that is embroidered with their name and number.  Parents dishing out thousands of dollars a year in support of the kids’ dream…. Or is that a parents’ dream.  Are we trying to develop D1 athletes at 9, 10 and 11 years old?  Should we narrow the exposure to other sports in the name of scholarship?

I think not.

What about my son who plays lacrosse, football and baseball.  If he continues down that path, what happens when he rejoins his LAX buddies who do nothing more that LAX all year long?  Will he be behind in skill and talent?  Will he be able to compete?  From my seat – OF COURSE HE WILL!  He will lean on the drills, practices, discipline and skills developed in the other sports to offer something the one sport kiddos might miss out on.  How ya like that?  Also, what about burnout?  Will a little fella play a few seasons of nothing but baseball and then find that he is sick of it and simply can’t think about another handful of sunflower seeds?  Wishing that he would have been able to play some hoops or ski or anything else back when he had a chance to?

It is a tough question to answer and one that I keep asking myself.  I feel I have the right approach in my desire to expose my boys to anything and everything they want.  If the time comes where they have a significant passion for a sport and want to focus only on that sport… have at it.  I believe it’s the parents’ job to allow kids to be kids.  There is plenty of time for extreme competitive sports as kids mature and they only have one childhood.  But really, what do I know?

So with that, I’m guessing my kid can whoop your kid!  J  Only jokin’.

STOOPID Beer Commercials:

Normally I’m a fan of the beer commercials.  They are fun and usually feature some meaningless shots of girls in bikini’s, cool music to bob your head to or a good joke and laugh.  This time…. Well, I don’t know what the heck they are thinking.  The target?  Coors Light.

It isn’t bad enough that the beer is nasty and almost like purified cat urine?  Now, they have to put some label on there that does things.  Can the label do things that make the taste of what’s inside actually consumable?  That is another question and blog entirely.  This is about the label.  It started off with Coors light making the mountains turn from a white to a blue when the beer is cold.  I would question, “was the white on the label representing snow?”.  If so, turning to blue would mean that it’s actually warm enough to melt the snow and now it will taste like poop.  People shouldn’t need to rely on the Roy G Biv philosophy to determine when it’s safe to consume their beverage.

Then, if the mountains weren’t enough and to ensure they were reaching the most –fill in the gap - consumers possible (I held back there), they start putting the words on the label.  “Cold” and Super Cold” .  Really?  I was hoping when I first saw the commercial that it was a spoof on the already annoying blue mountains.  Nope.  It is the result of some highly paid marketing folks that are assuming their consumers struggle with their senses.  Who knows, maybe we will soon have scratch and sniff labels outside of bacon, soup and other menu items to help us determine just what it is.  I’m sure there are millions of people out there who can’t determine when something is cold.  If they can, then they must certainly need help in identifying SUPER COLD.  Come on man!  What’s next, we gonna see “ICE” as the third option?  So, the formula goes like this…. 

• Buy the beer
• Put in fridge
• Wait for blue mountains
• When blue mountains appear, read the first line of “Cold”
• Decide if “Cold” is actually cold enough
• If not, leave in fridge
• Return to fridge and wait for “Super Cold” to read through
• When you see “Super Cold” you can assume by this time you have blue mountains and the previous “Cold” already visible.
• If not, I fear you have poopy beer.
• If so… you still have poopy beer, but you can feel confident in consuming as they have adequately educated you on when you may consume.

 Friends, we really shouldn't need labels written in crayon, right?  Join with me and drink a real beer.  I don’t care what it is.. but pick one that treats you like an adult and doesn't smell of cat urine.

Great way to start the day!

Monday's are poop.  No way around it.  You are still trying to dodge the stench of too many Coronas and questioning the mysterious glitter that you can't seem to scrub off your forehead.  Still, Monday is there and unforgiving!

My Monday started off with an empty gas tank.  Empty to the point that it needed some immediate attention.  So, I pulled into the Sams gas stations closest to my house as they always have the best price.  No, I'm not a member there and don't see the .06 cent discount, but still it's cheaper than the other stations.  As I pull in, it's confirmed that the $3.61 is better than the stations in the hood, so I have made the right call.

I climb outta my vehicle, open up the gas cap and start fumbling through my wallet for my debit card.  Then, from across the way, this old fella is shuffling towards me with a "hi young man, how are you this morning?".  First off, love being called a young man as my back, knees and sudden identification of a possible bald spot reminds me that young is quickly vanishing.  I respond with a "So far, so good!  How are you doin'?".   He said, "i'm on the right side of the turf at 73 years old, so I think I'm doing pretty good!".  Gotta love that response.

As I remove my debit card with the old fella working at the station, he tells me, "hold off young fella, gas is too expensive and I'm gonna give you a discount.".  He then takes HIS membership card and slides it into the reader where it greets us both with a message on the screen proclaiming my .06 cent per gallon discount.  Word!

I thank the man and he says, "next time you're here just holler out, RAY - I need that discount!".  As he shuffled over to the car that was parked next to me to repeat the feat, I filled my tank with a smile on my face.  For the briefest of moments I was reminded of the good 'ol days.  I imagined how it might have been living next door to Andy Griffith and the way things were when courtesy and kindness were present.

I mean, RAY could have just kept his 73 year old body inside of his little station and away from the early morning Denver breeze that carried a bit of a nip.  Yet instead, he opted to get out and help.  Little does Ray know that he didn't just save me .78 cents that day, he reminded me that there is still some of the good stuff out there.  The kind of stuff we as a society need more of.  Kindness, interaction beyond hammering text on iPhones and looking out for one another.  It doesn't always have to be a rat race or competition... there is a time for that.  Hopefully we can remember that the good stuff should strongly overwhelm the nasty and each of us contributes to that effort.  We all need to have more Ray in us!

So, thanks Ray!  Rock on and I will see you in another week or so for that discount!